Crimson Bisque

Thursday, September 01, 2005

there's a storm brewing. yet you might feel compelled to get out there and experience it all. the rain. the wind. the cloudy darkness that surrounds you. maybe it's because it mirrors what's in you.

so you run out into the rain, the wind, and throw your arms away from you. you want peace. you need it. you cry out a single word, "why?" it gets lost in the wind. but that's the way you want it i guess.

why can't i get it right?

why aren't i good enough?

why do i feel unappreciated?

and there lies your answer. pride and low self esteem. a paradox? hardly. we all need something to mask what is ugly inside (in our opinion at least). and sometimes something that kinda resembles positive things like self confidence and independence does the trick.

something whispers. maybe being right is not the way you have to go. afterall, isn't life about learning?

another more insidious whisper. we all learn from our mistakes. sometimes well meaning words just end up stabbing you.

the torrent of emotions comes harder and faster each time. pain. fear. pain. anger. pain. guilt. it actually physically hurts after a while.

you gulp down some water. hoping it'll soothe your nerves. remember the solution, you recall reading. water doesn't help anymore. it used to. but now it's just a convenient way of hiding the fact that water isn't just in the cup. it's leaking out of your eyes as well. trying to expel the guilt? probably. does it work? definitely not. it just makes things worse. though having your head bent down might save you explaining your tears to those ard you.

so you swallow hard. hoping that'll help your tears somehow flow back into your tear ducts. silly thought i know. but you do it anyway.

sometimes you feel like blaming the people ard you for this happening. people bring you down. whether intentionally or not. then you think, maybe they've made a mistake eh? no one is perfect. then you un-think your thought, maybe it's not other people that are the problem. YOU are the problem. your fear of lonliness and all the joys it brings: oversensitivity, possessiveness, paranoia.

that train of thought makes more and more sense when you realise: people shouldn't have to change for you. the world doesn't revolve around you.

i have to find it in me (or more accurately, in GOD) to deal with me.

the wind's stopped howling now. and the rain's stopped. and you're all dry now (whether cos you're all cried out or otherwise).

in fact, the wind's a gentle breeze. you let your arms fall more or less to your side, just barely feeling the light breeze rushing through your fingertips.

so the storm has stopped now. and it does seem less cloudy. but you can't help wondering, when will the next storm come? will i be able to stop the pain in time?

i hope so. because it's becoming unbearable. loathesome.

but ah! check yourself! all this loathesome-ness only makes you feel like you're a lesser person. only makes you more angry. anger just makes things worse!

but it just hurts? you know? hurts.

Inscribed @ 5:48 pm