Crimson Bisque

Thursday, April 29, 2004

it's been a bad past few days..

i just feel so sick of it all... studies... flat hunting... hmm... that's all actually... but when you're struggling to find time to revise and do massive PBLs... and always have flatting at the back of your mind.. and the fact that my roommate was annoying me which i fetl really uncomfortable with...... add all that together and trust me.. you'll be snappish, irritable.. and basically very very bitchy..

Sigh... it's not been a nice feeling.. i really feel like i can't smile.. and if i do it's not really what i WANT to do.. more like what i need to so pple don't annoy me.... i think asking me if i'm fine is probably the worst thing to do to me right now... maybe that's why i smile in a crowd...

I switched off my handphone for two days straight once i got home.. i didn't want to be bothered... and everyone seems to be annoying me...i thought throwing myself into work would help.. i thought getting things done would resolve the stress of me not getting enough studying done compared to others.. it sort of helped... it was just me, my books and my music.. i dunno.. i just feel so stupid compared to the other Singaporeans here.. i think i've got the lowest A level grades.. and i know you're all going to say it doesn't count for nuts... listen i KNOW that... i do... that doesn't really mean it's stuck in my heart you know? that doesn't mean that i don't feel down abt it... that doesn't mean ANYTHING to me cos i'm affected by it.. i rather deal with that rather than just sweeping it under the carpet and pretending this fear doesn't exist.

Thankfully, my roomie's been getting better... she's actually sleeping ard 12 these days... and i hope that's helped her.... cos it's certainly helped me... i'm really very grateful for that....

As for flat hunting.. i think the main reason why i'm getting down is cos well.. i feel betrayed i guess.. for pple not sticking to their word, pulling out without giving me reasons.. but hey i think i'm past that.... i don't trust pple as much i suppose.. but i guess you have to practice restraint with trust if pple who are supposed to be your friends are so unreliable... does that make me a little more jaded? probably... but at least i haven't totally given up on pple and become a complete xenophobe... i least i know that there are pple in this world who i can love and trust and know that they reciprocate. It's an eyeopener i suppose... you can't expect everyone to be a 21st right? ;)

Hmm i guess i'm feeling better, i'm not really sure. I guess i probably needed those 2 days when i was really down and out.. solitude helps you sort things out in your life.. perhaps i just needed some me time after getting the shit kicked out of me by others... and maybe i have done that.. i feel better now.. not at my best but still better... better equipped to handle things thrown my way.. slowing getting up and about... i guess i have more hope in the future as well.. but we'll see... these depression cycles can just hit you when you least expect it... tears come into your eyes for no rhyme or reason... and you just wish the world would disappear.. miss my old talking buddies like nev.. would would call and chat and do math tutorials at like 3am in the morning... like siao charn my dear sis who would talk to me till i'm all dried out of tears and about to fall asleep.... and jov who i hope is having a great time touring!:)

I think the main reason why i miss these pple is cos they're NOT HERE... duh charlotte you must be thinking.. that's why you miss pple in the 1st place... but no.... what i meant was that they are removed from the glasgow situation... that they're not here and it'll be a good break from my life here in glasgow just to talk to them....

I'm sorry that i shut pple out over the past few days.. but i really felt i needed it.. regardless of all that i'm sorry.

sometimes it's still so surreal that i'm here... that my life here is a dream... sigh...

hope this turns out to be one hell of a dream....

Inscribed @ 10:44 am