Crimson Bisque

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

What a week it's been... and YES LUCAS I HEAR YOU... updating now ok? Gee whizz your Royal Highness... and when are you coming down to Glasgow... Easter?

Another shout out to Jov... twas nice hearing your voice too.... esp the loud GASP when you heard my voice haha... sorry i disturbed your tuition.. maybe next time yeah? what days do you give tuition anyway?

And of course... how can i forget my Darling Michelle..... don't get jealous lah.... *wink*

Let's go through this the Dirty Harry way... the good, the bad and the ugly...

The Good:

I BAKED.... brownies, flapjacks (like museli bars but oats instead of museli), pear crumble and apple crumble.... YUM YUM!! and the best part is they turned out right!:)

Virgin Suicides.... ace movie i must say... makes you think... parent dominance is a touchy issue... even in my life now as i can't seem to achieve the independence i want at times cos they HAVE to make their input and not let me run my own life.... some say i should just do my own thing... but i would feel bad if i didn't listen to them... but they won't ever really know right?

i guess it's difficult for some to understand that they might not know... but I WILL.... and as sad and frustrated as i am.. they are still my parents and i love them... and i don't want them to worry.... i guess it's all abt compromise... i didn't go out over the weekend... i just baked haha... i know i've recovered... they can't see.. they don't know.. or they don't trust me and think they know better... hmmm... i think i know myself better than they know me at this point of time... cos a) i'm not 9 anymore... i'm 19.... b) i'm not in s'pore and they can't see me face to face.... i'm not as weak as they think... as a lot of pple think... don't you just hate it when pple go 'relax lah'... i suppose they don't know that venting is a good way of relaxing as well... sometimes i say things to talk them out... and that's my resolution... can't they see? i guess not... i wish they could but i don't think you can.... i wish i could believe them when they say they trust me but i can't....

i thought trust came with letting me do my own thing and trusting that i can handle things... so then what? concern? love? yeah i suppose... but still i find it hard to swallow that i'm being told by my parents to stay home over the weekend and not go to church/fellowship... it just makes me want to go out and do something else instead of going to church.... rebellion? well colour me red.... i must confess i went drinking on friday night instead and stayed up on sat night (2030 to 0230) to bake... not exactly healthy behaviour....it's difficult to explain to friends over here why i listen to my parents... i don't know lah.. the whole push and pull thing... i really wish they would just ask abt my life and not encroach into it... oh well... there's no answer to this... i guess i just have to take things as they come... it still hurts... it still burns... but swallow it and take it like a grown up even though i hate myself for letting them treat me as a child... i'm their child i know... but i'm not still a child...

I guess that leads onto The Bad:

the 1st was my parents who probably won't ever know that i find them untrusting and overbearing at times even though i know they love me and i love them all the same...

The next was Mr Ho... i really can't believe he's gone... it was mind numbing white shock when i 1st got the article from my parents... they didn't know that he was my math teacher... hmmm..... that's another issue i suppose...

But yeah.... goosebumps all over my body.. the tears nearly fell... it's so hard to believe that one so full of life could be gone... he was a quiet teacher yeah.. but he was so sporty and all that.... sigh.... i think i shall quote what i wrote in my class blog at the time... cos that's how i truely felt....

"I still can't quite believe he's gone... of all the teachers that have taught us before he was the one i least expected to leave us so suddenly... cruel twisted fate and how it toys with us.... when and why we will never know...

Just say a prayer for our dear teacher today... i still can't believe he's gone.. and i'm not quite sure when i'll get over it... but life goes on... c'est la vie...

sounds awefully cliched... but treasure your loved ones and those ard you..

take care you all and be safe"

I still feel the goosebumps when i read the tribute to him... there are still pangs in my heart when someone mentions something he did... he was a REALLY good person.. funnily enough i seem to remember joking with him in the staffroom in CHINESE when i went back to sch to say goodbye to all my teachers.... all the little moments you think back on... the 'sex instead of sec x' that shmint mentioned in her email... sigh...he'll truely be missed... God bless him and keep him.

The Ugly:
I haven't been a really nice person this week getting pissed off at friends and all that... and the best part is i don't tell them...i understand their censure and i see the logic behind it and i wish i could listen to them... call me weak but to me family is more important than friends... something i never realised until last year... my friends will never know but i'm sorry that i was angry at you when you told me to go to church anyway... i'm really sorry... but i don't think you understand...

Then there was the whole rebellion thing.. i'm sorry i was angry at my parents as well... and i'm even more sorry that that apology probably wasn't totally sincere since i still think i don't really appreciate them butting into my life.... oh well *shrug* c'est la vie... i'm horrible aren't i... sigh....

to health, to life and to loved ones... cheers

Inscribed @ 12:46 pm