Crimson Bisque

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

This has GOT to be one of my down days... and it's raining outside now... ah bliss... at least the rain's helping to soothe my nerves.. .well it'd better considering i'll be going to a country where rain is more the staple than the sun...

My bro got this interesting book called "Things that make us Singaporean" he says the whole level got it.... i asked him if i coudl have it to bring with me... something to remind me of home i guess..... it'll be nice to see the acronyms COE CBD ERP in a foreign land... haha....

Well... let's get down to business... i'm THE ultimate loser... failed driving AGAIN the 2nd time round.... was feeling so miserable abt it... cos i was sure that i'd get it this time round.... is it that very sentiment which was my downfall? arrogance? unlikely though... since i was shaking like a freaking leaf before the test.... i guess i really am just a brain and no braun.... heck i'm not even a brain haha....ah well.. i lament... nothing i can do about this now.... I have to swallow the humble pie... face the fact that i am a loser at driving and go back to the centre tmr to ask them for a new test date.... if they can't do that then.... in a word.... F***... cos that means i have to go overseas to get my licence.... after all that money my folks spent... boy do i feel like shit..... it's like WHY CAN'T I DO IT?! I asked God right as I walked out of the driving centre... WHY?! I thought I was getting closer to Him again... then i remembered Job as I was showering... he lost his family, his wealth and his health... and his friends tried to say that God wasn't there for him... but he held on to his faith and God made him prosper more than before.... Like i said...i believe in spiritual warfare... staying with God is definitely more difficult than straying from Him.... there are always things trying to get in your way.....

(Enter random thought: listening to Christina Aguilera's Stripped album now... it's not half bad i'd admit.... Walk Away and I'm Ok are great tracks... great depressing songs... but hey... you guys know me!:P)

Got an email from Yaoquan today... and he reminded me that leaving is also a happy and exciting thing... to which i replied "apprehension, yet anticipation runs through my veins"... that's how i feel right now.... it's like i'm stuck in the middle now... i don't want to go and leave everything here... yet so many things seem to be pushing me away...(haha en ying: cue linkin' park song?:P)... NUS rejects me... failed driving..it may seem small but it seems like the S'pore system is working against me for once....

I recall Xinyi telling me once when we were discussing whether we should go away to study (has it been that long? unbelievable.)... and she mentioned that we should stay... since we made it into the top school and come out alive... we have conquered the system... we could take on the stress and all the crap they push on us..... well xinyi... it certainly doesn't feel that way now... they may really seem like minor minor things... but call it pre-departure blues or something? but it certainly is adding up.... i feel like leaving immediately and yet feel like staying all at once... stuck between being a child at home... dependent on my parents... and the young woman who wants to make it out there on her own... and prove she isn't as irresponsible as her mother may think...

Why? Why? Why?

That question haunts me tonight... like En Ying's Infernal alarm clock (hey in retrospect it was funny yeah enz?)... it demands to be heard and addressed... no matter how much you try to ignore it and turn over to sleep... you can't... it rings in your ears!

can't remember if i've blogged about my "brat-syndrome" before.. but anyhow... when i'm at home i feel like i'm a child... dependent on my parents... and i don't know why but that makes me act bratty.... irresponsible... irrational... spoilt... it all comes out... but when i'm out of my house i feel like i can take charge of my life... when i'm at home and i get told off for being irresponsible...i feel weak... young... TOO young... i've really been trying to break out of it.... but it seems like sometimes my parents don't trust me enough to run my life... to do things in my own time... i suppose they are concerned and want things done ASAP so i won't be screwing things up later...

As my time in Singapore draws to a close... these feelings plague me... makes me want to leave this house... my HOME for goodness sake! why would anyone want that? Am i a bad daughter for thinking that? i love them all i really do...

Maybe it's the anxious side of me eager to just get this departure thing over and done with.... that's why such negativity creeps into my veins... after all the hype and seeing so many of my friends take off (hello sis! limz! daughter dear! karen! angel![no not you nev] co-buddy!) and all others staying here start school... drifts of the haunting tune of loneliness sounds from a distance.... and i need to start school to keep myself busy like everyone else... or the pain of leaving will just come banging at the door.

Well, i have my books... they have brought me comfort... an escape... for a moment i'm the characters of the story... living through what their lives... and yes my concentration level has gone up up up! haha one good thing that has come out of this yeah? escapism you say? well sometimes that's all i have... no, no, it's not very sad.. i'm just being brutally honest... and it's something i need... it's like my "me" time you know? sometimes i have to be left alone... and it's great sometimes to just be alone and let your imagination drift lazily with the waves of words... like the calming low volume drumming of a washing machine... erm when it's not on high speed?

Tis life...

Inscribed @ 4:29 pm