Crimson Bisque

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Ah well, I've finally decided to blog... let it be known that on this rainy night i have "Once upon a December" from the Anastacia OST stuck in my head!

So many thing have happened in my life since the 2nd last time i blogged... and welli say 2nd last time cos you'd probably note that my last blog was pretty much sort of a filler chapter of some quirks that come with blogging...

Well let's see now... Let's go by God. Family. Friends. Yeah?

Faith wise? It's been really an up and down thing... I previously blogged to mention that I had a calling for medicine, right? That really put me on a spiritual high of sorts... no, I don't go meditating and floating into mid-air or anything ostentatious like that.. haha... more like I felt really really close to God... and that he was truely walking with me every step of the way...

Well, I'm a true believer in spiritual warfare... It's happened to me many many times... often after periods when I have achieved a peak period of spiritual growth and my faith is really and truely strong... then crappy things start happening.... in this case.... i get REALLY distracted when I pray... GOSH you won't believe the agony I go through sometimes... it's just SO SO hard to focus on the prayer itself... it's like a million things are pounding on the door inside my head... like all other things can't wait.... that's the part that worries me I suppose... I know all things CAN and WILL wait... and that nothing matters more than God..... It frankly frightens me that I could be so close to Him and then perhaps take the closeness for granted and let Him slip away once again!

Well, thankfully I have a really good Youth leader... he told me that perhaps these distractions are something to pray abt... for example... if i was distracted by an ambulance... I just pray that the ambulance reaches its destination alright and saves the life of someone! Perhaps it could also be an immediate answer to a prayer... let's say i pray that I have the inspiration to write an article for my youth newsletter (another bad thing that's happened....) then suddenly i have these flood of ideas... it may not be a distraction... it just might be God's answer... so MAYBE i'm supposed to stop praying and write there and then... then go back to praying for the other things.... and if I have the sudden urge to do something else which was related to my prayer then I'll stop again... then it'll be a day spent in prayer...

Well, perhaps it's also a test you know? Since I've mentioned being close to Him before that... perhaps it's time to test my true mettle and see whether the walls of faith are really THAT sturdy or whether it's just the euphoria of the moment! Which you have to admit... us being teenagers...we Do ride on the euphoria of the moment QUITE often....

Perhaps it could be the devil's way of leading you away from God as well? I mean he sees that you've gotten closer to God... so he'll try even harder to pull you away!

I suppose just as long as you keep the Lord in your heart... you'll be safe.....

" Even though I walk through the valley of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me"
~ Psalm 23:4

We must make an effort to walk wih God everyday... sometimes it's more of a struggle than other times... but still.. keep on walking with with Him... for you know that no matter what... He DOES walk with you. No matter how far He seems... you know He's right there... you just have to make an effort to reach out...

Sigh, another thing... I've been an irresponsible little creep... I keep putting off this church newsletter thing... and well quite frankly... someone in the team does bug me a lot to the point of irritation sometimes.... but well I suppose he means well.... it's very difficult not to judge pple you know? But that doesn't make it any better to judge, yeah? Is it human nature to judge? To think that we have the ability to judge others when we ourselves are probably fearful of judgement? Well i guess when you reckon you're the most evolved animal ard... you start to get these funny ideas, such as: "We rule the world and all nature shall bow before us"... Rather blasphemous when you think abt it... Anyhow, back to the newletter issue... i've been a complete slob... it's highly irresponsible of me and I RESOLVE to write it out by tmr!

Next up: FAMILY...

Ahh yes, if you recall, I seem to have some parental issues.... and well I've thought it through... I've been such a fool... I know it's natural teenage angst to be a little rebellious and be completely, irrationally angry at your parents.... but seriously... I realise that everytime I get mad at my parents... most of the time i tend to snap at then first... sometimes i think they treat me like i'm four... i SNAP... sometimes i think they don't give me enough freedom... i SNAP... sometimes i think they can be completely insensitive and not be very understanding... i SNAP.... SNAP SNAP SNAP... doesn't really do a whole lot of good for you to be angry at your parents all the time...

What I've realised is that when i snap at them i'll also be remembering the things they did before... kinda like holding a grudge and letting it all out upon a very unhealthy accumulation. But you see it really doesn't make sense to harp on the past... it just makes you an angerier more unhappy person... you just learn from the past and move on yeah? After I told myself that... things started getting better.... I could actually get along with my parents better by starting on the right foot... Goodness knows I can be really hot headed at times (methinks it's heriditary *evil laughter*)... and that's no way to spend your last few weeks with your parents before you fly off for two months! Well i supposed certain events that have transpired also knocked some sense into me... you never know what's going to happen tmr... so treasure all the people ard you (will elaborate more on that later)...

And YES!!! I'm very very very EXTREMELY proud to say that my bro was the Guard of Honour Contingent Commander and the Outstanding Sec 4 recruit for NPCC at his recent Annual Parade (sort of like a parade for all the Uniformed groups).. YAY!!!:P It's really great to see your bro out there... looking so smart and sharp!! Well, I'm frankly still concerned abt his studies... and I'll REALLY try to help him in anyway I can (must step up efforts on that too).... still..... *BEAMS* Yay for you bro *waves pom poms* (random thought: We used to have the make our own pom poms in primary school so we could wave them ard during inter-house sports day... rather silly and cute now that I think abt it)

Lastly: Friends....

Well I suppose most know that we all recently lost a junior... that really got me thinking man... it's really worse when they're younger than you...it's like... i can't believe that they won't live through what I'm going through now... I've given up asking why.... Somehow I feel it's irrelevant now... though it would give me closure to know why.... but all in all... as long as we learn from this incident... i guess it really got to me how much we should cherish the people ard us like I said earlier... they could be gone tmr! Family, friends... we love them all... but we often forget to SHOW them...... I guess that really showed me a new side of life... Sometimes I feel like she's not really gone you know? That this is a weird dream.... my buddy says that things are back to normal now... like everyone goes on like she never existed... and he feels a little guilty cos well it SHOULDN'T be like this... but hey... they have to study right? I mean prelims and A levels are important too... I'm not saying that the material things like grades matter more than people... but you can't do anything abt one situation... so why not work on the other...

Was telling my "sis" the other day (HELLO SIAO CHARN *waves*)... i feel guilty sometimes that I've gotten over her death... but at the same time... life goes on... and we all have to move on somehow right? Just as long as we remember what this has taught us... that we don't forget... that we don't neglect ever again.....

oh well... another thing... school has started.... well the Aussie students have long left.. but i must say are VERY VERY missed! (HELLO SIS, DAUGHTER DEAR, LIMZ) The local Unis have finally kicked in... though I must say it was most amusing to see my friends becoming stock brokers while they bid for their modules... I mean I had a primary 6 gathering recently... and my friend was like whipping out her phone every now and then to call home and check the bidS!:P i was MOST amused haha... Neh Neh i hope you got all your modules! And Pam... you BETTER hope you actually HAVE modules you slacker you!:P

Sigh... back to bemoaning "lost" friends... the US pple are leaving soon as well.... *sniff* will miss you all when it's my turn to leave... *sniffs more.... oh what the heck... WAILS*

Ah and as for you UK pple.... (YES NING I FINALLY UPDATED!!! You should be so proud of me!:P) I hope we all clear the immigration alright when we get there cos the immigration process seems like hell.... better get our check ups and jabs here! Hey I had a really fun time shopping with Ning last week.... and hey Ning if you read this... have you FINALLY decided which laptop and which digicam you wanna get? Lemme know yeah?

Yawn... this has been a very good long blog for me... haha... hope this serves as a good portal to keep in touch with friends... no matter WHERE everyone is!:P

The thing is I feel so slack after slacking for so long! Then your brain kinda lapses into this laze mode where you can't really fous on anything... that REALLY sucks... need to get the brain active again so i can get back into study mode! Must start prioritising the stuff i have to do! And must work (like the Youth Newsletter) before stoning/slacking! Sigh... time to psyche up.... oh well... must sign off now... regretfully I'm not very witty right now... so no cute quotes or anything haha.... ok then night and sweet dreams everyone!

Inscribed @ 6:14 pm