Crimson Bisque

Sunday, June 01, 2003

I've often wondered if empathy has been taking up too much of my time and too much of my heart....

Just the other day I was having a bad day.. why? because everyone else was...sad but true... misery loves company... and i practically signed up for it... honestly... being in the working world does open your eyes to a lot of things.... how bureaucracy and materialism corrupts the human mind and soul... how superficial beauty is... how human relationships become merely a means to an end... corrupt... very corrupt.. it's made me rather cynical abt working life... well better to get disillusioned now rather than later right? it's inevitable... i just hope i never become one of them... everyone has an inner bitch/bastard... but the way some people work their way to the top.. or work their subordinates... they simply DON'T. CARE. Well, that or they are severely ignorant... in which case i can't understand how and why they are managing us anyway....

To be fair, I haven't walked a mile in their shoes and all that rot. But still, I'm frankly quite sick and tired of how we're treated as machines... In hard times, the company just grabs any and every contract they can... understandably they need to make big profits to recover from their "losses" ( HELLO have you seen their financial report? I heard we've made plenty and THEN some).. but the staff are well *gasp* human! I must admit Cost-cutting is a good thing... but overdoing it at the expense of the staff is just plain pushing the envelope... Honestly, our top boys have freaking PhDs in cost consciousness... staff are overworked and underpaid... and they expect US to serve the patients with smiles on our faces... I mean c'mon.. you want us to be sincere when dealing with patients... then you better show some respect and deal with us honestly...

Just as the increased cost of any goods are passed down to the customers.... so are coporate attitudes passed down to customers... if you were unhappy with your job... you wouldn't want to smile all day to serve the patients right? you wouldn't want to do your best, to be the best you can be... And our high turn-over rate is testiment to that...

Ah but thankfully... though the management can sometimes be right idiots... the ground staff are really quite inspiring.... they are really nice people... and do try their best to do what the patients demand... and working in a private hospital.. the word "demand" IS the correct word to use... but i think it's more out of duty than out of respect for the organisation... oh well like i said... cynical, very cynical... but it really was a great experience... it helped me see another side of medicine... it may not be pretty, but it's reality... i guess when you've worked at rock bottom you see and understand things that people at the top can't... hopefully that will help make me a better doctor next time...

Ah but another thing though... i felt really good today in church... I really don't know why? There was this peaceful feeling that just filled me right up!

May the peace of the LORD which surpasses all understanding, be firmly resolved in your hearts and minds.." well that's how i felt right at that moment... that everything felt alright... and it felt so great... I guess that comes with resolving a lot of issues...

one thing was my job.. which i'm so glad i've quit... i think that place would only depress me further if i stayed....
another thing was with my parents... you see i could only stay till 12 when i went clubbing at zouk with o team last night... granted I felt completely slighted that I couldn't just take a cab home or something... like my folks didn't trust me....
I guess they were just concerned for me... and well worried that there would be drug raids haha.... but well it turned out to be a good thing that i left at 12... cos well frankly the music really sucked... and i wasn't really having much fun... i guess that answered the burning question i've had for the past few weeks... could i Honour my parents as we are commanded to by the Lord? I've always felt that at this age.. we are so inclined to rebel against our parents... and yes... sometimes sarcastic barbs are thrown and well it becomes nasty... i think both sides are at fault sometimes... my folks just don't want to give me THAT much freedom yet... ok i get that... but sometimes i feel like it's stifling me a great deal...

Honestly? I feel like a complete spoilt brat when i'm with my family... and i really don't know why... and with the brattiness... comes loads of irresponsibility... i know my mum thinks i'm a pretty irresponsible person... but i dunno... my colleagues think i'm pretty independant and that i'll be able to make it on my own should i go overseas... but i can't shake this nagging feeling that my parents don't think the same way... is it because they know me better... or because they only see the completely dependant side of me...

Have you ever felt weak and trapped by your own doing? That's exactly how i feel when the bratty me acts out with my folks around.... i know i can actually do a lot of things on my own but i just feel too lazy to do it or better yet i don't WANT to do anything my parents want me to... it's like i'm out of control then... that's how being dependant makes me feel... weak and a lack of control... and sometimes i really worry that this attitude will spill over into working life....

Perhaps that's another reason why I want to go overseas to study... to break free of this feeling of vulnerability when i'm at home... hopefully with a life overseas i'll be able to come out a more responsible, less dependant person at home... and maybe then my parents will actually trust me to run MY life MY way... yes i know i sounds really bitter, but it's true... they still have a say in where i go and what i do.. .doesn't really help with the independence gig huh. But of well... hoepfully going overseas will help me treasure my family more.. and turn this vulnerability i feel when i'm at home into a form of sanctuary for me...

Like I said... it's a cruel, hard world out there and you NEED a place to feel vulnerable.. you can't be strong ALL the time.. you'll just completely collapse... hopefully i'll be able to take the irresponsibility out of the home attitude and make being at home a comforting shelter for me... and place i can completely be at peace. Without the fear of NOT being trusted and NOT being able to run my own life... I only hope i can gain their affirmation in me one day.... Sometimes i feel like a complete loser when i hang around with my folks... haha maybe THAT's why i rebel... cos i hate feeling this gut-sinking feeling of helplessness... being vulnerable is a good thing to feel at home sometimes... but when coming home becomes associated with the helplessness of a new born babe.. then well... home life sucks and you won't appreciate it or like it for what it SHOULD be about... the love and comfort of family members... it's a vicious cycle... you feel helpless so you rebel... but when you rebel you show more signs of helplessness and hence it looks like you can't take care of yourself so they meddle in your affairs even more and more.....

Sigh... i think it's still best that you just listen to your parents... maybe that way... one day... and i hope some day soon... they'll be listening to me too....

The LORD said to honour thy father and mother and I'm slowly beginning to see that honour extends beyond obeying your parents... it's also showing the world that you have grown to be a responsible, mature Christian, to have your actions and words bring honour to the people who have borne and raised you up... I guess the Lord has his way of helping us through our troubles... and the daily truths we struggle with... I guess another reason I felt so great in church was this sudden enlightenment.. like a light was switched on in my head and with that i hope my family life will get better and better...

Ah i've said much... hope those of your who are reading this aren't bored to death yet... haha...

anyhow maybe tmr i'll write abt war and clubbing.... seemingly unrelated but ahh... Christian life is a daily struggle.. and sometimes the dark can be as alluring as the light....

till next time.

Inscribed @ 5:08 pm